


if you never shoot (you'll never know)

by requiemzoe



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, when will i stop writing sad camren please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-18 21:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9404627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/requiemzoe/pseuds/requiemzoe
Summary: you watch her fall in love with someone else ; she watches you fake it





	1. floral

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna be 5 chapters ok cool

there are 5 parts to what happened with you and camila, and all of them are still as fresh in your mind as they were the day after they happened.

floral, orange, hair, leather, waffles.

(maybe giving them names will make it make sense)

-

floral starts like this: you're on tour and she sneaks into your bunk one night smelling like sex and sweat and her, and when she lays next to you her neck is right there so you can't help yourself. her hands make a home for themselves in your hair (you made yourself a home in her heart and you got evicted) and you stay there with your face buried in her neck and your hand in her boxers for as long as you can until she pushes you away with a "feels too good, lauren, no more" and you vaguely wonder through foggy thoughts if she'll leave. (she doesn't.)

floral continues like this: waking up in the morning with new photos of you and her in your camera roll that you didn't know she was taking. they make you feel warm inside. you have one text. "don't let those pictures get out." you feel like a dirty little secret. (it'll be fine, for now, it's whatever.)

floral continues like this: you're watching the instant ramen noodles spin around and around and around in the microwave when she presses her front against your back and the ramen noodles are forgotten. the microwave beeps as you grunt out her name.

floral continues like this: you start to steal her clothes. when she's in the bathroom, you take her floral sweater with the logo for a band you dont listen to. you take one or two or 5 of her shirts just to sleep in except for the last couple of weeks, you haven't been getting much sleep. her clothes smell like her, and it helps for nights when shes out. (you don’t know where she goes)

floral continues like this: you never talk about it. sometimes when she crawls into your bunk she starts with “lauren, what are we doing? what are we?” but you know where to touch to get her to be putty in your hands and it is not long before all is forgotten and the only thing she can think of is you and all mentions of any kind of relationship between you two (god, what would mom think?) are gone. she does not leave after she gets you off. she curls up next to you, hands in your shirt and legs intertwined with yours, mumbling a soft “goodnight” before pressing a kiss to your jaw and dozing off. 

floral continues like this: hinting towards a relationship in interviews and such but never fully revealing anything. you aren’t gay. just because maybe once or twice (or every night for the past 6 weeks) you guys have had a thing, that doesn’t mean you’re gay. camila is just art, art that needs to be appreciated. (you do appreciate her, but by leaving hickeys in places that only you and her can see)

floral continues like this: watching moana with normani and dinah and sharing a blanket when her hand starts to creep up your leg and all of a sudden she has you shuddering and biting your finger to keep from letting her name escape. it’s a good metaphor for what you two are doing, really. she watches you intently with a sweet smile and even has the nerve to ask you if you’re okay before pressing a soft kiss to your flushed cheek. (you get her back for it later, leaving her whiny and all riled up in her bunk before going to sleep that night.)

floral continues like this: she takes you to the fair that’s in one of the towns you’re stopping in and you two ride all of the roller coasters and don’t eat any of the bad fair food because you insist that she’ll puke on you on the tilt-a-whirl and she takes a picture of you two kissing on the ferris wheel. (if only you knew how many people also took pictures of that)

floral ends like this: “lauren, camila, can i talk to you for a minute? camila, we need to stomp out all rumors of you being gay. we need you to be in a pr relationship with austin mahone for a few weeks.” and its tears and her kissing you over and over again that night promising you things she could never give. “i’m yours, lauren. i’m yours and you’re mine and everything will be okay and this is not the end of the world and it is not the end of you and me” and you kiss her smile and fall asleep together fully clothed. (that’s a first.)


	2. orange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> orange is your least favorite color

dinah keeps asking why you're not coming out of your room in your shared apartment. you don't answer. instead, you steal one of her bottles of vodka and go back into your room to drink away camila and try to feel something, anything that makes you feel human again.  
-  
orange begins like this: the pr relationship, at first, changes nothing between you and camila. she never talks about him. the most you see, of camila and austin, are shitty teen magazines with their faces plastered on the cover in a corny heart. you almost laugh at them, because only you know that camila is all yours. (after all, that's what she told you, and she would never lie to you.)

orange continues like this: she stomps back inside the bus one day and goes directly to her bunk. dinah, normani and ally all insist that you go in and see what's wrong , so you do. you slip inside the bunk and shes all over you, immediately, before you push her off and whisper that the girls are listening. "h-he tried to," is all she gets out before she buries her face in your neck again, wracked with sobs. "he tried t-to, god, i can't fucking say it." she balls your t shirt in her fists, and her face is getting so red that it's even scaring you. "he tried to rape me." then she's all tears and trembling again and you open the curtain slightly to see the other three girls looking at you concernedly. "i got her" you mouth before closing the curtain when they nod and cuddling with her for hours.

orange continues like this: that night, you wake up to her hand down your pants and her lips on your neck. actually, no, it's more her teeth- she's biting and sucking and leaving the harshest marks she possibly can. you whimper because goddamn, this hurts, and she tears her eyes open and sends you the most intense look you've ever seen from her. you moan softly again when her other hand travels down your arm to intertwine your fingers with hers and she leaves a particularly dark hickey at the same time. she's rough that night, and doesn't let you get off for what felt like 8 hours but was actually 2, and you wake up the next day sore with hickeys all over your neck and inner thighs. (not that you mind)

orange continues like this: she texts you multiple apologies. "sorry about last night / i was just mad and i needed something to take it out on / actually im not sorry / what happened yesterday fucking sucked and im gonna be fine i only have to be with him for 2 more events / and then i just have to be out in public with him 3 more times for paps and then ill be all yours again / anyways. sorry about kinda leaving you looking like you had gotten attacked by 9 professional paintball players / it made me feel better ykwim??? / you make me feel so strong and powerful baby / and it sounded like you enjoyed it, so." you read all of them before looking up and realizing that shes watching your face get redder and redder from across the couch. 

orange continues like this: a week goes by of the same thing. you hold her and kiss away her tears during the day, play a show and aggressively check each other out, and then go back to the bus and let her ruin you. finally, you talk about it. she tells you everything.

orange continues like this: he tried to stick his hand down her pants. she told him no. he did it anyway. she pulled out mace from her purse and sprayed it right into his eyes, to the point where it was dripping down his neck into his t shirt. then she stopped, for fear of him losing his eyesight, kicked him in the balls, and walked out. "i feel so bad about it, lo, i feel so terrible. it just felt so good."

orange continues like this: you reassure her that it wasn't her fault, it was his, and you make love to her and hold her in the night. 

orange continues like this: you meet him for the first time and he gives you a sweet smile with his white white white straight straight straight teeth. you look him up and down and don't say anything. 

orange continues like this: he corners you when you come out of the bathroom, grabbing you by the neckline of your t shirt and tugging you into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. he growls out, "i don't know what that slut told you, but she tried to come onto me and then flipped the fuck out and maced me for no reason. i don't know what the fuck you little dykes are doing, or why the fuck you're always calling her baby, but she's mine. camila is fucking mine." he steps back, sweaty and veins popping out on his forehead, and you try to move to unlock the door. he punches you so hard you see stars before running his hands through his hair and mumbling "tell anyone and i'll kill you.". he steps out of the bathroom and leaves you there to cry. he's wearing an orange shirt.

orange continues like this: she finds you in the bathroom with blood drying on your nose and gets so mad the hair on her arms starts to stand up. she looks 10 times bigger than she is. she washes the blood away and tells dinah to get austin to leave. he does, and you two go back to her bunk and cry into each other's arms. she kisses what's left of the hickeys she left on you and assures you that she's breaking up with him as soon as she can. 

orange ends like this: dinah tells you one day. she just goes up to you when you're both alone and tells you that camila told her that she actually likes austin and that they had had sex.

orange ends like this: she's outside your bunk, talking to you through the curtain later that night. "lauren?" "go away, camila."


	3. hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM AN UNEDITING PIECE OF SHIT GIVE ME DEATH

your therapist says moving on can be hard and you almost scream at her that it's impossible

-

hair begins like this: she has not come into your bunk. you have not come into hers. the most you two have done is making eye contact. it's like looking at her gives you a headache. (maybe its not looking at her, though, maybe it's looking at his arm around her waist and how his fingers slip under her tank top)

hair continues like this: you're talking to dinah and normani about hair. normani wants to dye her's blue. dinah wants to get extensions. you play with the tips of yours and say you're fine with how it is now. "yeah, lo, it looks pretty long. don't you get headaches? isn't it heavy?" you're about to answer normani when you hear a familiar voice from your right side say "i like your hair long." you pretend you don't hear her and only check the text she sent you right after she said that when you're on a walk that night. "it's easier for me pull when you're being loud when its long"

hair continues like this: she corners you in your bunk that same night. "you don't have to talk back but i just need you to listen." you just pull the blankets up to your nose and blink. "austin is actually a really sweet guy, lo, and i get that you might not like him but you like me, so could you maybe just put what happened aside and deal with him?" you maintain eye contact with her, and without pulling down the blanket, you snort "who said i liked you?"

hair continues like this: you go to your hairdresser and ask for your hair shorter. 

hair continues like this: she starts putting hers up. (it makes it easier for you to see the hickies on her neck, hickies that should have been left by your lips)

hair continues like this: you try not to talk to her. you say, at most, 20 words to her in a week. dinah asks you why. you say it hurts. 

hair continues like this: it makes you fucking sick. you were just sitting in the back room of the bus, watching shrek, and they just came in and started watching with you. well, not watching- more looking deeply into each other's eyes as she's sat on his lap. you make eye contact with him once and decide it's enough for a lifetime. "get the fuck out."

hair continues like this: they leave. you watch a little porn and get yourself off before going to take a shower. you're supposed to be alone in the bus- dinah is with her trainer and normani and ally went out to "explore.". you've always had an irrational fear of closing your eyes while washing your hair and opening them again to see a figure standing there. you're almost over it, after all, you're turning 18 soon - and you're definitely never gonna get over it now.

hair continues like this: everything is a blur of steamy shower water and goddamn, your knees are slipping across the tile floor way too easily. she pulls at the very roots of your hair and it feels like she wants to sink her twitchy fingers into your head. (you wouldn't mind)

hair continues like this: you wash each other's hair. it's all loving and soft kisses on the backs of necks and hues of pastel and soft chuckling. you talk, lightly, because you're both comfortable with the silence that has fallen between you two. you both walk out naked because why not, you're alone anyways, and fall asleep a mess of wet hair and tangled limbs. 

hair continues like this: "we aren't good for each other, lo." "what do you mean?" "we barely ever talked." "we didn't need to, camila." "maybe it's better like this." "it isn't." hair continues like this: just when you think you're winning her back, she posts 4 pictures of her and austin in a row. the last one she posted of you was 9 weeks ago. you block her. you put out 3 cigarettes on your arm and fantasize about her kissing the marks. hair ends like this: you get drunk. pass out drunk, in a luxury limo that dinah rented for no reason. it's great. she isn't there. you aren't entirely sure that you are either. \- now that you think about it, hair was the most damaging chapter in you and camila's little game and you regret none of it


	4. leather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lauren and lucy are in love. camila and michael are in love.

you run into her at the flower shop on 8th street and watch her touch what must be 100 gardenias and not pick one  
-  
leather was possibly the most lowkey chapter of you and camila's story.

leather begins like this: you unfollow her on instagram. the pictures of her and austin are making your brain ache.

leather continues like this: you see lucy for the first time in 6 months and practically tackle her more than you do hug her. you two are rolling around on the airport floor, and dinah is picking up your bags and looking at you two with a soft smile. you spot camila when you look over lucy's shoulder, and you two lock eyes. she snorts and stalks away to a vending machine. 

leather continues like this: there's an argument over whether or not you guys should let lucy sleep on the bus. she says she doesn't really care, but it would be nice if she could stay. dinah and normani argue that you guys have two extra bunks. camila and ally exchange a look before camila huffs a "whatever" and opens up her phone, signalling the conversation is over. 

leather continues like this: she ends up staying in your bunk. camila is right across from you, so you know she can hear you two's loud laughing and "i missed you so much" and "we suck at cuddling"s from her bunk. she sends you a text, the first one in almost two weeks. "can you two quiet down? im trying to sleep." in a moment of bravery and wanting to look cool in front of lucy, you type back a "no" and "i thought you liked it when i was loud camzi". you turn off your phone.

leather continues like this: on one particular off day, you wake up sweaty and in her arms. you press a soft kiss to her jawline (sounds familiar) and let the rain hitting the bus windows lull you back to sleep. 

leather continues like this: you almost start to forget her. almost. it's all in the prolonged eye contact, the amused facial expressions from opposite sides of the room when dinah and ally are arguing about something stupid, like whether blue from blue's clues is a boy or a girl. 

leather continues like this: the blue's clues argument is actually a very compelling one. you and lucy join the conversation. she argues that blue is a boy because blue is a boy color. you argue that colors don't have genders. so you google it, and you turn out to be right. blue from blue's clues is most definitely a girl. "shut up", she says when you start laughing in her face. you set your cup of ramen noodles down, and inch closer to her face. "make me."

leather continues like this: you start seeing austin less and less. camila starts going out with him more and more. (even 3 layers of concealer can't hide the bruises. something in you wants to save her but you tell yourself that she's doing it to herself and she should've stayed with you)

leather continues like this: lucy buys you a leather jacket. it's all black, and on the back it reads "ROCK AND ROLL IS DEAD. GOD BLESS THE 1975". you wear it out that night, to a club. she whispers in your ear that she's thinking about you fucking her in only that leather jacket. you almost drop your phone trying to get an uber.

leather continues like this: you two stumble back into the bus, and because it's empty, you strip as you walk down the aisle between the bunks. well, she strips. you attach your lips to her neck and almost drown in the sounds that she makes. you're so distracted that you don't even notice that camila is standing by the microwave, wearing joggers and a crop top, stirring a cup of tea. there's a silence. "well, i mean, considering that your girlfriend is standing there naked, and you guys looked busy, im just gonna put on my headphones and pray that my volume is loud enough to drown you two out. night." she crawls into her bunk with a nod. 

leather continues like this: fucking shit, she's so hot. (you don't even know who you're talking about anymore.)

leather continues like this: you go to a paramore concert alone. lucy isn't that into them, camila knows about 2 of their songs, and the other girls are out of the question because they're going to kanye's concert the same night. hayley brings you up on stage to sing misery business and you almost cry when she says that she loves you guys's music and taylor gives you a guitar pick and jeremy hands you the setlist before wrapping you in a bear hug and then it's over. you shove confetti that shoots out during aint it fun in your pocket and forget about camila and lucy and anyone else.

leather continues like this: you come back practically glowing and gush to camila about how amazing it was and show her the video that has already been uploaded to youtube. she freaks out with you. 

leather continues like this: you show lucy the next day. she snorts and says "cool, lolo" before falling asleep.

leather continues like this: maybe lucy isn't who you want. 

leather continues like this: camila comes into your bunk crying one night while lucy is watching shrek in the back room with normani. you ask what happened. she asks for a makeup wipe and wipes the swathes of concealer off her arms. "i hate him, lolo, i hate him so much." you nod and kiss her hair and hold her trembling frame all night. 

leather continues like this: eventually, you guys have to leave miami. that means leaving lucy. at the airport, you dramatically kiss her goodbye and cackle at her dramatically skipping onto her flight. on the way out of the airport, camila intertwines your fingers with hers. 

leather continues like this: she meets a guy. his name is michael. he has a scruffy chin and hair that's hard from being dyed. he treats her well, buying her luxury clothes and watches and calling her princess and baby. they go to walmart once, and he wears a suit and she wears a gucci dress. 

leather continues like this: austin fades away. you're nice to michael, and he's nice to you. he even gives you hayley fucking williams's phone number. "she's a friend, y'know, we dye our hair t'gether n'stuff."

leather continues like this: you watch her fall in love. it hurts. it doesn't burn, or sting, like it did with austin, but it just aches a little bit.

leather continues like this: she watches you love lucy. (but do you really love her) 

leather continues like this: you're facetiming with lucy one night when she brings up the topic of you and her. "lolo, what we're doing...does it mean anything? are we together?" "do you wanna be?" she smiles and nods. "should i ask or should you ask?" "um, i'll ask. ok. lauren michelle jauregui, will you be mine?" you groan, "oh, that was so cheesy. sure." you fall asleep on facetime with her, mumbling a sleepy i love you and you wake up to a dead phone and 3 texts from camila when you charge it.

leather continues like this: "thank you for biefng with me liek i mean thank yio for lovgin me and alosi having se x iwtj me" "i miss you a little bit also im a little b it buszzed hahah" "ubt you sesm happ y wit hlucy an im happy iwth michael his dick is sO GODO oj il ove you  no homo mBye"

leather continues like this: you decide to just let it happen. lucy and you have skype dates where you eat kid's cuisines and laugh about things that aren't funny. (if only you knew that the honeymoon period only lasts two months)


	5. waffles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im so fucking tired of this story y'all lmao

waffles is the last chapter in you and camila's story. waffles is healing, and forgiveness and raw emotions and wounds that aren't all the way healed.

it went down like this. 

the tour ended. you went home to lucy. she went home to her family so they could meet michael. a few weeks later, she texted you asking if you wanted to come over so you two could talk. you reply within two seconds and drive to her house.

two hours later, you two are sitting across from each other on her bed. her walls are pink. care bears are lined up on her headboard. 

"so..."

the silence is deafening. you briefly wonder if you would survive the fall if you jump out of her window.

"i still love you."

it just comes out. you didn't even know you were gonna say it. it just snuck its way up your throat and now camila is looking at you like you have three heads.

"lucy..."

"is amazing. and i love her so much. she's beautiful, like, ethereal, and she gives really good head and she loves me and i'm supposed to love her, but camzi, i love you, and only you, in that way."

 

camila blinks. once. twice. 

"lauren. lo, i'm so sorry-"

"no. don't say that. say you love me too."

she's quiet. you realize that you've been digging your nails into your palms. 

"i love you too. just, not in that way, lauren. i love michael. you know that."

"but i'm better than him!"

she smiles. "watch out, lo. your ego might not fit through the door."

"ok. fine. i'm not gonna beg."

she's suddenly stone faced again.

"i can't, uh... i can't tell you not to love me. the heart wants what it wants. you and i would know that better than anyone. we just... we aren't good for each other. all we ever did was have sex." you cringe at her words. could she put it any more bluntly?

"that's all it was for you." you mutter.

"huh?"

"that's all it was for you, camz. i loved you. i still do. what about what happened with austin? who held you? who let you ruin their shirt? who let you ruin _them_ , camila?"

"you don't know shit about me and austin!"

"are you fucking _defending_ him?"

camila breaks at that. her bottom lip starts to tremble and you're holding her before the first tear falls. it's instinct at this point. protect camila.

"i'm sorry."

"it's okay." you say into her hair. 

you hold her until the sun goes down. you need to get home. you can't hold her all night anymore. that's michael's job. 

you lay her on her bed as gently as possible, kissing the place where her neck meets her ear and whispering a goodbye and a soft i love you. it takes everything in you to leave. every part of you wants to stay with her for as long as you possibly can.

when you get home, lucy is sitting on the couch, stuffing her face with waffles. "hello, my love!" you call from the door. "hey, baby." she says after she swallows, pressing a kiss to your lips. "i'm watching cutthroat kitchen and this dumbass just decided to make a vinaigrette." you scoff as you plop yourself down next to her. "what an idiot."

you fall asleep with her on the couch that night, tupperware of waffles laying forgotten on the floor. 

-

everything sorta fell into place after that. michael and camila got engaged. lucy and you split, so you move in with dinah. you get a therapist and tell her the whole story. you let yourself slip sometimes- locking yourself in your room for days at a time, going out and getting drunk with dinah and having a one night stand with random girls. the whole pop star thing works out. you and camila are still amiable to each other. you still stiffen anytime an interviewer jokes about camren, and you avoid her as best you can when you're not on tour, but it's fine. 

there are five parts to what happened with you and camila.

floral, orange, hair, leather, waffles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank god thats over lmaooooo


End file.
